Joke #3213

A man walks into the sheriff's office.... "I want to become a deputy!" "Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster. The poster reads: 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.' "What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man. "Rustling."

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch. The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning. "What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer. The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100..... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

When customs finds something in your butt, how do you act surprised?

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes." "Did you hit her with that golf club?" "Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."

An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit: "Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent. "Yes," replied the teller. "He was better dressed each time."

Hot Shot Rookie A rookie patrol officer stopped a car for speeding. The driver asked, "Gee officer can't you just give me a warning"? The officer said,"Sure". He stepped back, drew his .357 magnum and fired a shot across the hood of the car. "Anything else?" said the rookie.

Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square. The mayor sees him and asks, "Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?" "I'm taking her to the bulls so she would get impregnated," answers Johnny. The mayor is shocked, "Surely your father had better be doing that?" Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, "Nah, I think it's really best left with the bulls."

Did you hear about the policeman who found a stolen car on Acacia Street? He pushed it onto Park Street – he couldn’t spell Acacia.

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.... Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?" Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on." At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts. Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful." Blonde: "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".