Joke #3317

Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage? They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Wife: Because I married the wrong man!

After nine years of marriage, a butcher's wife is tired of her husband's morning flatulence. She warns him that he'll fart his guts out. One night, the wife decides to put pig scraps in his pants, so he will think that he actually farted his guts out and stop the flatulence. The next morning, the husband goes to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he comes out and says, "You were right about me farting my guts out. But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers. I got them back in there!"

The boss snubs his employee because he took a flashlight with him to a date: "What kind of crap happens nowadays? When I was in your age, I wasn’t carrying any flashlight with me on a date. I was always meeting my girlfriends in the dark." "And what did that got you... Take a look at what you’ve married in to!"

A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time. The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to your feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had Kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

The man was looking for a way, over and over, for his wife so she can drive more carefully and he found it; "Darling, if an accident happens, the police will record your real age!"

Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. "What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.