Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I've never been before.
Wife: Well, how about the kitchen? 
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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
Guns don’t kill people – husbands who come home early kill people.
A husband is driving with her blonde wife, the husband says "Can you stick your head out the window if the blinker works?" T
hen the blonde sticks her head out the window and replies, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..".
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Men are divided into two groups: 50% are wise and 50% have married.
A man goes to see a wizard and says "can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago ?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "if you can remember the exact words of the curse ?"
The man replies without hesitation "I pronounce you man and wife ..."
A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.
One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband.
It says: "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So, I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't YOU wait up for ME."
Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar.
After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"
The old woman replies shyly, "Depends..."
"Depends on what?" he asks.
"On my bottom - where else?!"
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How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
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