Wife to her husband:
"I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"
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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?'
The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married.
Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety.
The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
Little Mary is at her first wedding.
When it’s over, she asks her mother, ‘Why did the lady change her mind?’
‘What do you mean?’ asks mother.
‘Well,’ replies Mary.
‘She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.’
Husband: "Right now, for this Women's Day, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world!"
Wife: "Oh dear, I will miss you!"
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
I had two women in my bed the other day.
I got home from work and discovered my wife is having a lesbian affair.
I play the worlds most dangerous sport.
I disagree with my wife.
A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.
"Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags.
"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"
Two men are chatting;
"My son asked me: 'Daddy, where do children come from?'"
"It's not a big deal... Today kids are interested in that matter on the early years."
"Yeah men, but the real issue here is that my son is... married... for five years!"
If you want to drive your wife crazy don’t talk in your sleep, just smile.
A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, “It really works!”