Joke #3387

What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward? It ends up in his mouth.

Q:How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A:None, the sockets go with the house.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

Q: Why do men fart louder than women? A: because they have a microphone and two speakers.

Alex an Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue." The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"  When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"  When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"  When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?" The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwi's laying the turf out front."

Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: "I really don't get how he can feed himself with that thing!"

A man walked into the doctor's office and said: "Doc, I've eaten something that disagrees with me." A voice from his stomach replies: "No you haven't."

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Men are like... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

How are men like noodles? They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive. The woman says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a pet for my husband but I'm on a very short budget!." "No worries," replies the clerk. "We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give bl*wjobs." "Bl*wjobs," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent. With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen. In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen. She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing?" she asks. "Well," says the husband. "If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here."