You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'. '
Teens are at an awkward stage in their lives. They know how to make phone calls they just don't know how to end them.
Do you know what a plateau is? It's the highest form of flattery!
You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts... Man, and do you have life? OMG, No! Could you send me a link?
Men are divided into two groups: 50% are wise and 50% have married.
The Highlander movie was actually based on Chuck Norris's life. There can be only one.
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton and Representative Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment. They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
The houseman invited over his boss and partners, for lunch. With them, his little 5year-old daughter was there. "Don’t you want to say the prayers before lunch, so Our Holly Father give us his blessings?," asks the father. "But... I don’t know what to say...," the little girl admits. "Just say what you heard your mommy say last time inside the kitchen!," said her mother to help her. And the girl: "Oh, God! Why in this life, my husband must invite all these people for lunch?"
Are you free on Sunday? The director asks his secretary. Yes, sir. Then, please, use this day to rest a bit, so you won’t be late at work on Monday.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.