Joke #3636

I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"

Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful!

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight..."

I have asked my mamma: "Mamma, why do we have 10 cock birds but only 1 hen?" Mama has said to me: "Because I want that she has a better life than I had."

If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground? The rest of your life...

Doctor: "And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?" Patient: "Very well, I've been divorced for half a year now."

I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times already.

Women prefer the simple things in life… like men.

It was tough for me, got caught up: cutting class, drinking, smoking, gambling, raping and pillaging the town. What I'm trying to tell you is the fifth grade was hell for me, alright?

My life may be a mess but I know the difference between "Your" & "You're"-

So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?". The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".