Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
"I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can’t leave," the doctor says.
But here’s what to do.
Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony.
‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
"He says you’re gonna die."
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Q: What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath?
A: Stinkerbell!
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.
First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"
After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead.
She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
Patient: Doc I keep on forgetting things.
Doctor: Since when did you have these problems?
Patient: What problems?
In the town I have met one older woman, she told me: "if you give me ten euros, I will pray for your black soul."
I gave her the ten euros, became suspicious, didn't believe her and told her: "ok, but pray for me right now, not in the evening."
The woman has begun: "guardian angel, please, take care of my soul, forgive me all my sins and give me everything I need in my life."
I have asked her only: "for my money?"
Vote:
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.
The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
No.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
No.
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.
Doctor: "What seems to be your trouble?"
Patient: "When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour."
Doctor: "Try getting up one hour later."
Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers.
Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.
"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce.
"I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.
"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.
"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.
A patient to his friend: "I am taking rest cure."
Friend: "What do you do?"
Patient: "I sit every day for three hours in the waiting room of a very busy doctor."
If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground?
The rest of your life...
Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:
- A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
- You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
- You won't get arrested for picking up coffee on the street at 3 a.m.
- You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
- You can get cup after cup of different coffees all day long.
- No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
- Coffee doesn't talk to you.
- Most coffee is hot, unless you request it otherwise.
- Coffee stains are easier to remove.
- Coffee is ready in 10 minutes or less.
- When coffee gets cold, you can throw it away.
- When you drink coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.
- Coffee doesn't take up half your bed and all the hot water.