Joke #3721

An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer.

A: What's the difference between a lawyer and an undertaker? B: A Lawyer doesn't mind getting his hands dirty while burying his victims.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? A: A great place to start.

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist? A: Terrorists have sympathisers.

Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin? A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

What’s the difference between a shame and a pity? If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff and there are no survivors – that’s a pity. If there were any empty seats – that’s a shame.