An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years.
A competent attorney can delay one even longer.
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What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff and there are no survivors – that’s a pity.
If there were any empty seats – that’s a shame.
Why was the man sued by his horse?
For palomino-money!
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance.
When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.
The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it.
The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat.
He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
A man walked into a lawyer's office.
"How much does your advice cost?" he asked the lawyer.
"Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "And what was your third question?"
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: Clothes.
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy.
What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant.
What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place".
But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here."
The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK".
St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years.".
The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!".
St Peter said, "We go by billing hours".