How do you know if your wife wears tights in bed?
Her toes curl up when you screw her.
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A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex.
Can you explain it to me first?"
"Okay, sweetheart.
Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.
So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
Did you hear about the new contraceptive pill for men?
You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.
Yo momma so nasty i had phone sex with her and she gave me an earinfection.
In an elementary school, the teacher gives school work to the class.
Everybody writes except little John.
The teacher asks him: John, why aren’t you writing?
I’m exhausted because of sex.
That should not be a problem, write with your left hand.
A woman went to the doctor's and complained of being really sore.
"Do you have any idea why?"
"Well, I had sex with an elephant!"
"You did?
But elephants are known to have small penises!"
"Yeah, but he fingered me first."
‘I recently sold the rights of my love life to Parker brothers, they’re going to turn it into a game.’ Woody Allen
Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A. Fucks Funny!
A white guy walks into a bar and asked a black guy for a bl*w job.
The black guy beat him up and threw him out of the bar.
The bartender then asked, "What did he say to you?
The black guy responded I don't know all I heard is something about a job!!
A hippie walks on a bus and sees a nun.
Being the straight forward kind of guy he is, he says "Hey baby, want to have sex?"
The nun says "God no!" so she gets off the bus angry.
When the hippie is about to get off the bus, the bus driver asks him "Hey man.
you see that graveyard across the street?" The hippie go's "yeah I see it, what about it?"
"well every Tuesday night at 8:30. the nun go's to the top of the hill to pray.
If you dress up as a ghost, and tell her to have sex with you, she'll have too"
The hippie replied "sweet!" So Tuesday night comes and the hippie has a ghost costume, 8:30 comes and here comes the nun.
The hippie pops out and says
"I am the ghost of a man buried here, and I command you to have sex with me!"
The nun go's "Well... ok, but I have a virgins aspect so it has to be oral"
So the nun and the hippie have oral sex and the hippie runs away and says "Ha, ha I was actually the hippie" and the nun said "Ha, ha I'm actually the bus driver!"