Money can’t buy happiness, but it can rent it for a couple of hours.
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
A husband gives his wife a complete mink outfit for her birthday – a 12-bore shotgun and some traps.
A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?" The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish." "Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish." The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him. The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"
Q: Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet? A: They never want to log off.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Dad, would you like to save some money? I certainly would, son. Any suggestions? Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.
Doctor to woman: "What is the matter about your husband?" Woman: "He is worrying about MONEY." Doctor: "I think I can relieve him of that."
A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars. "Every blonde in the world will get two million." The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man. Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men. The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. "Now for your third wish." said the genie. "See that stick over there?", asked the brunette, "I want you to beat me half to death with it."
Q: Why weren't the Republicans behind the verdict in the Saddam Hussein Trial a couple of days before the 2006 Midterm Elections? A: Because they were so busy fixing the price on oil!