Never borrow money from optimists – they always expect to get it back.
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Yo' Mama is so poor, her tv only has two channels: on and not working.
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A: They never want to log off.
‘Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald”.’
Rita Rudner
Chuck Norris doesn't need money he gets everything for free.
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “All I got is thirty”.
She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.
He agrees.
She gets in the car.
He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE...
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
If Asda is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the shop free yet?
I’m proud to say I made my money the old-fashioned way.
My dad left it to me in his will.
Money should be utilized as a tool.
You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl.
Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously.
The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch.
She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said.
"We only met a half hour ago.
How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared.
"For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."