Never borrow money from optimists – they always expect to get it back.
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That bull you sold me is a lazy good-for-nothing.
I told you he was a bum steer.
A small boy goes up to a man in the street and asks him if he’s lost £5.
The man checks his pockets and says, ‘Well, yes.
I think I have lost a £5 note.
Have you found one?’ The boy replies, ‘No.
I just wanted to see how many people had lost a £5 note today.
You make 72.’
An elderly retired couple went to a doctor.
The man said, "We want to know if we are making love properly.
Will you look at us?" "Go ahead," said the doctor. They made love.
"You are making love perfectly," the doctor said.
"That will be $10."
They came back six weeks in a row and did the same thing.
On the seventh visit the doctor said, "What are you coming here like this for - I told you that you are making love properly!"
"She can't come to my house," said the man, "and I can't go to her house.
A motel costs $20.
You charge us $10 and we get $8 back from Medicare."
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Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly.
The general told them, "We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to charge - boy, did they know how to charge!"
Yo' Mama is so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.
Harry applies for a job at a finance company, the manager tells him the job is his if he can crack their toughest account.
Harry goes off and comes back two hours later having recovered the entire amount.
‘Amazing!’ says the manager.
‘How did you do it?’
‘Easy,’ replies Harry.
‘I said that if he didn’t pay us, I’d tell all his other creditors he had.’
Yo momma is so poor for Christmas she got a box, put two sticks on it, spun it and said son here's your xbox 360.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man.
"I want a cheese sandwich!"
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”