Joke #3886

The vicar never entertained lewd thoughts – they always entertained him.

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence. After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo D**k." "How does it work?" asked the businessman. The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo D**k from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo D**k that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half. "Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!" He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo D**k and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo D**k my p***y." The Voodoo D**k flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo D**k inside her that wouldn't leave her alone. The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo D**k, my ass."

They are going to play golf at the business meeting. The guy flies out there a day early. He's got all day in Japan so he decides he wants to get himself a geisha. He goes to a house of ill repute and finds what he's looking for. He takes her in back and starts doing his thing. The girl starts going crazy. She starts yelling, "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!" He thinks, "This girl is loving this." Next day in the golf course he hits a hole in one. He doesn't know any Japanese so he yells, "Machigatta ana!" The Japanese guys ask him, "What do you mean wrong hole?"

A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vagina. In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital. When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my penis and lure it out." The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50. After a long pause, the couple agreed. The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in. After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hell is going on?" The doctor says, "Change of plans I'm going to drown the bastard."

Two nuns are walking back to the convent at night when two men push them into a dark alley and start having sex with them. One nun says "God, forgive them for they know not what they are doing!" The second nun says "Speak for yours! Mine is a Master!"

Superman was flying around Metropolis when he noticed Wonder Woman lying totally naked, spread-eagle on her bed. He thought, "Hmm... I could fly through that open window and be in and out before she even knew what hit her!" With nothing more than a rustle of the curtains, Superman was on his way, thinking, "Wow! She is really tight!" Back in her bedroom, Wonder Woman sat up asking, "What in Amazonia was that?!" The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my asshole sure hurts!"

My mate down the pub asked me last night "Why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?" I said, "It's for sound effects during sex." He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?" I replied, "No, I work in a morgue."

One day Sven walks into the local pub and announces, "Well boys Svens is getting married." As you can imagine all of Sven's' friends were very happy for Sven's good fortune and they asked, "Who's the lucky girl?" Sven replied, "Well I am a marrying Madge." Well, this upset all of Sven's friends because Madge was nothing but a slut, and they all cried. "Sven you can't marry Madge, she's not a nice girl!" "Sven replied, "Oh ya, Sven's in love and he's a getting married." And his friends persisted, "Sven, Madge is a woman of low morals." Sven just grinned and replied, "Oh ya ya ya, but I love Madge." Finally, his friends had enough and in unison cried out, "But Sven, Madge has been screwed by every man in town!" "Oh ya ya ya," said Sven, "But it's not that big of a town."

Chuck Norris sleeps with every woman on the planet once a month... and they bleed for a week.

Grandmother is so stupid, she’s gone on the pill because she doesn’t want any more grandchildren.