What did the Irish spinster keep saying in her prayers? ‘Good Lord, please have Murphy on me…’
Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there. The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens. The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!" The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit, now what?"
Two condoms are walking down the street when they walk by a gay bar. One condom says to the other, "Hey man, you wanna get shit-faced?"
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
Q: How do you make four old ladies say "FUCK!"? A: Get a fifth one to yell "BINGO!"
Sex is like math: Add the bed Subtract the clothes Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply
Happy Father's Day to someome who's been completely replaced in his marriage by Fifty Shades of Grey.
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking a cow. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left foot to a pole. I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right foot to a pole too. As soon as I finished milking the cow again he knocked down the bucket with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt. As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain."
A girlfriend said to me during sex that I should be a little more graceful, so I went to ballet classes!
Small boy to friend: ‘What would you do if a girl kissed you?’ Friend: ‘I’d kiss her back. What would you do?’ Small boy: ‘I’d kiss her front.’
Knock-Knock Who is there? A long penis with a naked head. Come in please we were waiting for you.