Why’s a fat woman like a skateboard?
They’re both fun to ride, but you wouldn’t want your friends to see you on one.
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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932.
The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
“I invested that nickel in an apple.
I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.
“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?
No! Tell me about it.
It smells of $50 dollar bills.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde a dded, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
This antique pocket watch has been in my family for generations.
It’s true.
My grandfather sold me it on his deathbed.
An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife.
After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on.
She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit.
But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.
So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her.
"For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."
Vote:
Why don't cows ever have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry.
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I dont, Ive been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, Ive been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars.
Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper.
'Alec !' yelled the teacher, 'you've done nothing.
Why?'
'Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do !'