Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?’
Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
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I once meet a honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country.
Then I woke up.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
"Professional courtesy."
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito?
A mosquito drops off you when you die!
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
A lawyer buys a farm as a weekend retreat.
While walking round his new property he looks down and sees that his feet are in the middle of a huge cowpat.
The lawyer starts yelling, ‘Oh my God!
Help me, help me!’
His wife runs up and asks what’s the matter.
The lawyer points to his feet and screams, ‘I’m melting!
I’m melting…!’
A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone.
After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.
“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter.
“In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer’.”
“But that won’t let people know who it is!” protested the lawyer.
“Sure it will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim, “That’s impossible!”
A man walked into a lawyer's office.
"How much does your advice cost?" he asked the lawyer.
"Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "And what was your third question?"
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.