I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.
Q: What is a blondes' reaction to hearing "drinks are on the house". A: Where's the stairs.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
Two friends were having a discussion about their relatives.... "I'll never amount to anything in life..", said the one friend. "In fact, my uncle is the town drunk.." "Well...that's not too bad.", replied the other, trying to console his friend. "Where does your uncle live..?" "New York City..."
A policeman has just stopped a drunk driver and given him a breathalyser test. ‘I’m sorry, sir,’ says the policeman. ‘But this bag tells me you’ve been drinking too much.’ ‘What a coincidence!’ exclaims the driver. ‘I’ve got a bag at home that does the exactly the same thing!'
Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle? A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
He’s donating his body to science. And he’s preserving it in alcohol until they can use it.
Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma." The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."
A bra and a set of jumper leads walked into a bar and asked for two tui's the bar man said"sorry i cant serve you." the bra and jumper leads answered back"why not" the bar man said"your off your tits and you lock like your about to start something".