A guy is sitting at the bar watching the game and enjoying his beer.
Another guy strolls over and they begin to converse.
After a while the second asks if he had ever played "beer football?"
He said no, and asked how to play.
"Well, if you chug a beer, you get 6 points, and if you bend over and fart, you get an extra point."
So, the second guy starts off by chugging his beer and farting.
The first man chugged his beer with ease, and when he bent over to fart, the second guy came up and kicked him in the butt and exclaimed, "BLOCK THE KICK!"
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A stewardess approaches a passenger on a flight.
‘Would you care for an orange juice, sir?’
The passenger replies, ‘Sure, if it needed me.’
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York.
It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.
“This is a nice place. I’ve never been here before,” he says to the guy next to him.
“Oh, really?” the other replies. “It is a nice place. It’s also a very special bar.”
“Why is that?” the first guy asks. “Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gogh, and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.”
“Gee, that’s amazing!” says the first guy.
“Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you’re pushed back up.”
“No way! That’s impossible,” the guy scoffs.
“Not at all. Take a look,” the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it.
He climbs over the sill and falls out.
He drops 10… 20… 30… 40…50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh — he comes right back up and sails back through the window.
“See? It’s fun. You should try it,” he says.
“Try it? I don’t even believe I saw it!” the first man shouts.
“It’s easy. Watch, I’ll do it again.”
And with that, he falls out the window again.
He drops 10… 20… 30… 40… 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh — he comes right back up and sails back through the window.
“Give it a try. It’s a blast,” he says.
“Well, what the heck, I’ll give it a try,” the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window.
He falls 10… 20… 30… 40… 50…60…70…80…90… 100 feet and splat — he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
A man goes into a pub and says, ‘I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.’
The barman turns and shouts into the kitchen, ‘Oi, Doris!
Someone to see you!’
I'm a wine enthusiast.
The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him.
He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
Don't type "Chuck Norris" on Monster Milktruck, your milk will turn into beer.
Vote:
A man who goes into the pub optimistically often comes out misty optically.
He doesn’t like to drink.
It’s just something to do while he gets drunk.