A drunk phones the police to report that thieves have been in his car. ‘They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,’ he cries out… ‘Oh hang on. I’m in the back seat.’
What kind of rings do men need for marriage? Engagement Ring Wedding Ring Suffe-Ring Endu-Ring
Man is incomplete until he’s married. Then he’s finished.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register. He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor. "I’m sorry," said the mayor, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
Yo mama is so stupid she married a carpenter just to get nailed.
Three guys all think that their wives are cheating on them. The first guy thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed. The second guy thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed. The third guy says, "That's nothing! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe my wife is screwing a horse."
Guns don’t kill people – husbands who come home early kill people.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part. SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on. SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up -- because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed -- because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
Wife to her husband: "I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"