Joke #4153

Make love, not war. Or if you want to do both – get married!
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has 85.13 % from 235 votes. More jokes about: marriage

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Q: What are the three rings of marriage? A: The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
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has 60.70 % from 53 votes. More jokes about: marriage, wedding
Signs You're No Longer in College... You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close. Your potted plants stay alive. You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill. Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces. You attend parties that the police don't raid. You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking. You refer to college students as "those kids." You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza. At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out. Naps are no longer weekday options. Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy. Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips. You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.
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has 56.20 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: college, divorce, food, marriage, money
Husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Wife: Because I married the wrong man!
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has 52.76 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage
Even the story of Sir Walter Ralegh confirms that he put his brand new coat over bumps with mud for his wife to cross it. Why? Because he was on sea for 15 months and he desperately wanted to have sex. No normal man that is well in his brains would do this to his expensive coat.
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has 48.78 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, marriage, sex, wife
A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time. The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to your feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had Kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"
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has 53.07 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: health, holiday, marriage, wife
Wife: "There's something preying on my mind." Husband: "Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation."
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has 77.51 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: communication, marriage, mean
Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!" "I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I called he wasn't there." The third woman says, "I always know where my husband is." "Impossible!" both women exclaim, "He has you completely fooled!" "Oh no," says the woman. "I'm a widow."
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has 50.96 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?” “You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.” The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”
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has 85.66 % from 331 votes. More jokes about: food, marriage
Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
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has 51.81 % from 54 votes. More jokes about: animal, dog, marriage, wife
Q: How do you get your wife to scream and groan when you're having sex? A: Let her catch you doing it.
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has 55.00 % from 43 votes. More jokes about: marriage