How do you know you’re flying over the poorer part of town?
You see toilet paper hanging on the clothes lines.
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‘We were kind of poor and my mother hated to spend a nickel on herself, so she bought most of her things in an army surplus store.
She was the only woman in Cleveland wearing khaki lipstick.’
Bob Hope
Man, to friend, ‘A thief has stolen my wife’s credit card.
Last month he ran up a bill of over a thousand pounds.’
‘That’s terrible,’ says the friend.
‘You should report this thief to the police.’
‘I would,’ says the man.
‘But at the moment he’s spending less than my wife does.’
A guy walks into a tavern.
As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?"
The bartender told him he that would tell him later.
So the guy asked the bartender for a drink.
The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish."
"Okay," said the guy.
He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it.
Poof.
Out came a genie.
The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks.
A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared.
In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.
The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks."
The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"
A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn't understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.
Surprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean?
The blonde girlfriend replied all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity.
They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy!
And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack.
St Peter says “Here you go” and goes to leave when the forester says “Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?”
St. Peter says: “Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.”
Q: Why did the programmer quit his job?
A: Because he didn't get arrays.
Vote:
He was so poor he didn’t even get a yo-yo for Christmas.
His parents could only afford a yo.
Q: What do you call a group financial controller who's lost his job?
A: Bob.
Vote:
Yo' Mama is so poor, when she farts, her holey underwear whistles.