Joke #4315

My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.

When you try to change a man, you basically undertake his mother’s role; And she made him eat spinach and study for school...

The old couple next door are having a ‘Football Romance’, each is waiting for the other to kick off so they can get some action.

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband? Miss her. Pity her.

She has her husband eating out of the palm of her hand – it saves on the washing-up.

While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asks her husband. "If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."

Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing. He found her to be possessive and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence.

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. "Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me." "I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."

Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local strip club for his birthday. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. His wife starts screaming at him. The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"

My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry with one another. So far we’ve been up for three weeks.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.