One cure for a cold consists of three shots of whisky.
There are better remedies, but most people don’t want to hear them.
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These two drunks walk out of a bar and see a dog across the streets licking its own nuts.
First guy says "Man, sure wish I could do that."
Second says "I dunno, I think I'd pet him first."
A feminist walks into a bar that has a sign marked: ‘For Men Only.’
‘I’m sorry, ma’am,’ says the bartender.
‘We only serve men in this place.’
‘That’s OK,’ she says. ‘I’ll take two of them.’
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?"
The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house.
Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After a few more he needs to go to the loo.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!"
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap.
The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."
The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."
The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender.
The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.
The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.
"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"
"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad you would laugh hysterically about it!"
Dick goes into a rough bar and orders a drink.
A man sidles up to him and says, ‘I can see you’re a stranger in here.’
‘Why, yes,’ says Dick.
‘How could you tell?’
The man replies, ‘You’ve taken your hand off your glass.’
Vodka won't solve your problems but it's worth a shot.
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
"What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?"
"A Budweiser in each hand!"
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.
The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.
The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious.
The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."