A man walks into a bar and orders a triple brandy with a double whisky chaser.
‘You know I shouldn’t really be drinking like this with what I’ve got,’ says the man to the barman.
‘Why? What have you got?’ asks the barman. ‘Fifty pence,’ replies the man.
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Yo' mama so poor, she fills her ice trays with toilet water!
What’s the best way to stop water coming into your house?
Don’t pay the water bill.
Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money.
I shall be everlastingly in your debt.
Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!
I got this antique watch from my grandfather on his deathbed – he put up one hell of a fight for it.
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"
Did you hear about the cannibal Tax Accountant?
She charges an arm and a leg.
Vote:
Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
Vote:
Our family was so poor our Christmas dinner was the leftovers from our last Christmas dinner.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man.
"I want a cheese sandwich!"