Joke #4435

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No, I'm not," I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"

Man walks into a bar and sits next to another customer. Bartender comes over and says to the new customer, "what can I get you?" Customer says "bourbon and coke." Bartender looks at first customer and says another "beer Jackass?" He says nods his head yes. 10 minutes later bartender comes back to check to see if customer wants another bourbon and coke and customer says "sure." Bartender looks at first customer and says "another beer Jackass?" And customer nods yes. Bourbon and coke customer says to beer customer, "Man you are the customer, don't le t that bartender talk to you like that." Beer customer says "it's ok he al, he al, He always calls me that!"

Whiskey is a great drink – it makes you see double and feel single.

Why has Guinness got a white head on it? So when you’re drunk you know which end to start on.

Got home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning. The wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin. I said to her, "what are you doing..baking..at this time of the night" ?

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

A guy goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy who's obviously been drinking for a while. The drunk gets up from his stool to go to the bathroom and falls down 3 times. The guy says to himself "I'll help this guy get home safely" and helps him out to his car The guy falls down five more times. He drives him up to the address on his license, takes him up to the door. The guy falls down 8 times on the way...and rings the bell. A lady answers the door and says "Oh how nice, you brought home Harry. But what did you do with his wheelchair?"

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink and some peanuts. While drinking, he hears funny voices, but thinks nothing of it. Again, he hears the funny voices and asks the barman what they are. The barman points to the peanuts and says, ‘Don’t worry about them. They are complimentary nuts.’

A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?". Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" he goes "No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!"