One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
Why has Guinness got a white head on it? So when you’re drunk you know which end to start on.
A drunk sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest. She was very good at identifying the wine. At the first taste she says: "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998" and all the people were amazed. At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953" and they were once again amazed. Then the drunk pisses in a glass and hands it to her. She tries it and says "Yak, this tastes like piss!" And the drunk says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?"
Did you hear about the man who drank 5 gallons of tea? He drowned in his teepee!
Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk. The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks". To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
This Refrigeration Truck Driver goes into the bar and he asks the bartender "I'd like to have a shot of Gin." The bartender decides to have some fun with him. So the bartender says "All right, what kind of gin would you like?" The trucker said "You mean there's more than one kind of gin?" Bartender says "Sure. You've got Hydrogen, Oxyogen, and Nitrogen." The trucker said "Oh!!!! Well, did you know there are three kinds of turds?" Bartender says "What do you mean three kinds of turds?" Trucker says "Well, you've got Mustard, Custard, and you, you big shit. Now give me my gin."
There were three guys in a bar boasting about the amount of control they have over their wives after getting drunk. One said my wife never says no to me, the second one says my wife always says yes to me. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" They asked. She said, "get out from under the bed and fight like a man".
What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange? A pip squeak.
A salesmen rang a house doorbell and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine. The salesmen asked: "Are your parents home?" The kid replied: "What does it look like?"
A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar. He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender' man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of beer. He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texas but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk. Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???' The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.' So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool. The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!
Lady goes to doctor with a bee up her fanny. Doc says, "Im gonna rub honey on my d*ck and insert it, when the bee smells it, I'll pull out and he'll follow." Doctor starts and woman begins to moan. Doctor gets faster and harder. Woman yells, "What the f*ck you doing?" Doc says, "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard."