Born free.
Taxed to death.
A man goes into a shop to get his wife a present.
He points out a bottle of perfume and asks
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Q: Why did hitter kill himself?
A: Because he could not pay the gas bill.
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Budgeting: When you work out that the money you owe is exactly the same as the money you spent.
A man is trying to understand the nature of God, time, and the Universe. He asks God, “How long is a billion years to you?”
God says, “A billion years is like a second to me.”
The man asks, “Well, how much is a billion dollars to you?”
God says, “A billion dollars is like a penny to me.”
So the man says, “God, can I have a penny?”
And God replies, “In a sec.”
A man and his wife went to the pharmacy to pick up his prescription for Viagra.
Seeing the $10 per pill price his wife was astonished - but then realized "it's only going to cost us $30 per year."
Why does ET have such big eyes?
He saw the phone bill.
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery.
It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
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Money isn’t everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.
You will never see a car worth over $10,000 with an Obama sticker on the back.
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A little monster was learning to play the violin,' I'm good, aren't I?' he asked his big brother.
'You should be on the radio,' said his brother.
'You think I'm that good?'
'No, I think you're terrible, but if you were on the radio, I could switch you off !