Joke #4447

Two old men hobble into the pub. One says, ‘I’ve heard Guinness puts lead in your pencil. Shall we try some?’ ‘All right,’ says the other. ‘But, to be honest, I’ve got nobody to write to.’

Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68. Because at 69 you have to turn around!

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?". His teacher replies "NO" Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me". "OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies. Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger". She again says "NO". "But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again. "Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher. Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON" Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

Three women were debating about how wide their pussy are. The first one said: "When my husband makes sex he puts his penis and his testicles in my pussy." The second lady said: "Wooo when we are in bed my husband puts his hand and his arm in mine." It was the turn of the third woman that pointed to her pussy and said: Jimy; Jimy come out, please."

Yo moma so fat that when I tried to have sex with her I burned my ass off the lightbulb.

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..." The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch. He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one night, and had just finished when Paul decided he was going to freshen up in the shower. Tom was laying there thinking about how wonderful Paul was, when he decided he was going to join him in the shower. When Tom got into the bathroom, he opened up the shower curtain and the first thing he saw was a large cumshot on the wall. He wailed to Tom, "I can't believe you! We just finish making love and you come in here and jack-off!" Paul looks at the wall and says "What are you talkng about? I wasn't jacking-off, I farted!"

Mary, a horny and sexy 23 year old and a handsome, single, sexy doctor Matt have an appointment together. Doctor: Well what's your problem madam? Mary: Well, there's something wrong with my tongue. Doctor: What's wrong with it? Mary: Examine it and you'll see. Doctor: Why don't you just- Mary: EXAMINE IT! Doctor: Fine. (Starts examining tongue, confused as there is nothing wrong with it.) Mary: (Suddenly pushes tongue into Matt's mouth) Doctor: (Pulls out tongue, furiously) Oh, so that's what's wrong with your tongue, eh? It's wanting sex. I see. I can fix that. (Goes to lock door, and rips off all of his clothes) Now your turn. Mary: Wow. I should have just asked. Doctor: (Starts to plunge in and out his dick from Mary's pussy.) Do you wanna make it more enjoyable? Mary: (Moaning and groaning sexually) Ooooooh yes.... Baby..... Yes.... Doctor: Ooooooh it feels SOOO good. (Starts to moan and groan sexually, he suddenly cums) Mary: Aaaaah a baby, fuck me more! Doctor: (Goes on top of Mary) I'm fucking you as hard as I can! When the session is finished, Mary wants to tell Matt something. Mary: That was great. But do you know why you got so aroused before? Doctors: Yes. It was very strange, I was not horny before. Mary: My tongue had viagra powder on it. That's why I put my tongue in your mouth.

Q: What did dick say to rubber? A: "Cover me I'm going in."

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle said, “Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.” So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay”. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, “Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand.” Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks “Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?” Sean replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet.”

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After a few hours in the forest, he finally sees a giant grizzly. He gets the bear in the rifle's sight and is about to pull the trigger when he feels a tap on his shoulder. It's another bear. 'Buddy,' the bear says, 'that's my best friend down there. I can rip your head off right now, or you can suck my dick. What's it gonna be?' Fearing for his life, the hunter says 'I'll suck your dick, Mr. Bear.' The next day, hungry for revenge, the hunter returns to the woods and sees the same bear. But as soon as he lines up the bear in his sights, he feels a tap on his shoulder. 'Buddy,' says the bear. 'Today, I can rip your head off or you can fuck me in the ass.' Again fearing for his life, the hunter replies, 'I'll fuck you in the ass Mr.Bear.' The next day, furious at what has happened to him, the hunter returns to the forest in order to kill same bear. Once again, he gets the bear in his rifle sights when he feels a tap on his shoulder. The bear shakes his head at the hunter and says, 'You don't come here for the hunting do you?'