An old couple decide to get married after years of courting.
They sit down to discuss the marriage arrangements and the prospective bridegroom brings up the subject of sex.
‘Oh dear,’ says his aging fiancée.
‘As far as sex goes I’d have to say, infrequently.’
‘Pardon?’ replies the bridegroom.
‘Was that one word or two?’
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I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night.
I snuck up behind an older lady, started fucking her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a blowjob, was my dad. I said, "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum."
He said, "I'm not."
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Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A: A whore fucks everybody and a bitch fucks everybody but you.
Q: What do you call a roman warrior after oral sex?
A: Gladiator.
Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.
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A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear.
After a few hours in the forest, he finally sees a giant grizzly.
He gets the bear in the rifle's sight and is about to pull the trigger when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
It's another bear. 'Buddy,' the bear says, 'that's my best friend down there.
I can rip your head off right now, or you can suck my dick.
What's it gonna be?'
Fearing for his life, the hunter says 'I'll suck your dick, Mr. Bear.'
The next day, hungry for revenge, the hunter returns to the woods and sees the same bear.
But as soon as he lines up the bear in his sights, he feels a tap on his shoulder. 'Buddy,' says the bear.
'Today, I can rip your head off or you can fuck me in the ass.'
Again fearing for his life, the hunter replies, 'I'll fuck you in the ass Mr.Bear.'
The next day, furious at what has happened to him, the hunter returns to the forest in order to kill same bear.
Once again, he gets the bear in his rifle sights when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
The bear shakes his head at the hunter and says, 'You don't come here for the hunting do you?'
One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven.
So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes.
The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley.
Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said " she was riding a skateboard."
An elderly black man goes to see his doctor for help with his sexual performance issues.
The doctor explains that Viagra isn't going to work this time.
The man goes back to the doctor a month later for a follow-up.
This time he is wearing a new tuxedo, shined shoes, and a top-hat.
The doctor is impressed and asks what the occasion is.
The old man says, "If I'm gonna be impotent I'm gonna look impotent!"
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Q: How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
A: It’s not hard.