Joke #4576

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that, as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." "I know," said the man, "but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

He was in a position to marry anyone he pleased. Unfortunately he didn’t please anyone.

Wedding night confession Husband: Before we married, I slept with many prostitutes, Wife: I knew I met you before..

Q: Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? A: Because they part for every little shit.

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom. The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women? A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

Wife to her husband: "I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"

A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them. A married alien couple walked out and said, "Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet." So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex. The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock! It was very similar to the way the aliens did it. The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night. When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his "thing." The alien looked down and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot." And he hit his head twice and "it" grew at least two feet. The woman said "Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to." So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sex of their lives. The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, "How was it?" The wife replied, "Great!" The man said, "Well, for some strange reason thealien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, "It's broken! It's broken!"