Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that, as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
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A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary.
That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed.
She says, "Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?"
He said, "I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn’t think straight."
She smiled at him and said, "So what are you thinking now?"
He said, "I think I did a pretty good job!"
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house.
Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic.
The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!”
The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?”
The little boy says, “if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.”
The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”
The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”
To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”
A wife returns late at night back home.
"Where have you been?" asks her husband.
"With a friend. But don't worry, there were no men."
One day later the husband returns back home late.
"Don't worry; I was also with a friend. And there were no men either…"
A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Warming up your dinner."
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort.
He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started.
When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.
"Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."
The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.
"Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."
They walk up to the house and knock on the door.
"Come on in," a voice in the house says.
The couple open the door and enter the foyer.
The living room is a mess.
There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window.
A man sits on the couch.
When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"
"Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."
"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."
"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.
The genie smiles. "Consider it done."
"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."
The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.
When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"
"31," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
A Lalu brought a simple, spendthrift wife from a small town in Bihar.
He convinced her that they should go for Honeymoon.
The wife would not understand complex term as honeymoon and kept asking for explanation.
Lalu said, "Let me feel you my manhood in Honeymoon and you would know."
They went.
Had lots of fun and came back.
Wife back at home asked, "I still don’t understand what is this honeymoon that we went for."
The Husband said, "Oh, we were together, had so many hugs, kisses, varieties of sex, jokes, fun all that is honeymoon."
The spendthrift wife got angry, "You should have told me that before. Back in town, Malu, Kalu, Suru and I were together all the times, and had this fun without spending a dime of my money."