They say whisky and petrol don’t mix.
They do, but it doesn’t taste nice.
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The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
One woman to another at a singles bar: “I’m not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be. These days, when I meet a man, I ask myself, 'Is this the guy I want my children to spend every other weekend with?'”
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A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him.
He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine."
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.
"Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German"
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo.
When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
What's a difference between a blond and a mosquito?
once you smack a mosquito it stops sucking
A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final atempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies - "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".
Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man.
One guy said he was going to bug him.
He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy."
"Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that."
Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn’t care!"
"You just don’t know how to set him off, watch and learn."
The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"
"Oh, wow, I didn’t know that, thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. "You are right, he is unshakable!"
The third English man said: "No, no, no, I will really big him, you just watch."
The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!"
"Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me."
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
A bloke walks into a pub and sees Van Gogh standing at the bar.
‘Hi Van, can I get you a drink?’
‘No, thanks, I got one ear.’