A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
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Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
A man enters the bar and orders a double martini.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”
The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise."
A gorilla walks into a pub, pulls up a stool, and orders beer.
The bartender gives him a mug and says, "that'll be five bucks."
As the gorilla reaches for his pocket, the bartender adds, "you know, we don't usually get many gorilla customers in here."
The gorilla shrugged and replies, "at five bucks a beer, it's no wonder . . ."
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
A man walks into a nearly empty bar and orders a drink. He's sitting alone at the end of the bar, sipping away, and he hears a voice.
"Nice shirt."
He looks around and sees no one nearby. He forgets about it and continues drinking.
"Nice tie," the voice says again.
He looks around a second time. The bartender and all other customers are at the other side of the room. Confused, the man calls the bartender over and asks about the mysterious voice that admired his clothing.
"Oh, that's the peanuts," the bartender said.
"The peanuts?" asked the man.
"Yeah, they're complimentary."
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables.
He sets em down on the bar.
And then the bartender said "Now dont you start anything!"
Q: What's a blonde's favorite drink
A: A cocktail.
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Don't ride the kiddie merrygo round when you are drunk, so get off.