A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
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After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean.
So's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was.
The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip.
The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye."
The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again.
The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip.
He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye.
The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes.
The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
A gent is sitting alone at the bar in Caesers Palace.
A Jewish hooker comes over to him and asks him if he would like some company.
"How much, honey?"
"$800."
"800???"
"Are you crazy? Every other woman that came over wanted $400!"
The Jewish hooker thought about it for a second and then replied, "Ok, I’ll do it for $400, but I want you to know I’m not making anything on it!"
It’s late evening and Tom’s wife catches him pouring six cans of lager down the toilet.
‘What on earth are you doing?’ she says.
Tom replies, ‘Well, it seems a waste, but I thought it’d save me getting up in the night.’
"Shay, buddy, whats a Breathalyzer?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, Id have to say that its a bag that tells you when youve drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know?
Ive been married to one of those for years!"
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him.
"This place is great, isn't it?" he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies, "Why do you say that?"
The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me."
The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room.
The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.
"Here's why."
The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air.
But he remains aloft!
"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing."
He floats back into the room.
As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it.
The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window - down to the pavement twelve stories below.
He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.
Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air.
He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The first man grins and returns to the bar.
Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.
"You know," he says, disgusted.
"You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After examining the man he says,
"Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot.
Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed.
Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.
A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked.
Man, she is fine!"
The biker looked at him and didn't say a word.
His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing.
His buddies were starting to get mad.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"
The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"