An old man and his wife are having their first argument after many years of marriage.
He says, ‘When we got married, you promised to love, honour and obey!’
‘I know,’ replies his wife. ‘But I didn’t want to start an argument in front of all those people.’
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Marriage is a workshop, where man works and woman shops.
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher.
You'll never have to do it by hand again.
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Wife to husband: ‘When I married you you said you had an ocean-going yacht!’
Husband: ‘Shut up and row.’
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before and after marriage.
I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.
"That's total bollocks" I replied.
By text, from across the road.
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A woman was standing naked, looking herself at the mirror.
She was not satisfied with what she was looking at and said to her husband: "I feel awful. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need a compliment right now."
Her husband replied: "Your vision is perfectly nice!"
...and then the fight started.
Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I've never been before.
Wife: Well, how about the kitchen?
A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer"?
She said, "Yes."
...He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?
A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.