Joke #4673

I can tell when my wife drinks. Her face gets blurred.

Two drunks are walking down the street when they come across a dog, sitting on the kerb, licking its privates. They watch for a while before one of them says, ‘I sure wish I could do that!’ The other looks at him and says, ‘Wouldn’t you like to make friends with him first?’‘

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?" So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life." The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?" The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life." The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?" The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life." And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?" The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world - nowhere in the world, you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it. Once again, everybody is quite impressed. At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You ever cut your grass and found a car. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'. You own a homemade fur coat. The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You can get dog hair from out of your belly button. The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction. People hear your car a long time before they see it.

It’s late evening and Tom’s wife catches him pouring six cans of lager down the toilet. ‘What on earth are you doing?’ she says. Tom replies, ‘Well, it seems a waste, but I thought it’d save me getting up in the night.’

Why did the idiot put starch in his whisky? needed a stiff drink.

A guy is sitting at the bar watching the game and enjoying his beer. Another guy strolls over and they begin to converse. After a while the second asks if he had ever played "beer football?" He said no, and asked how to play. "Well, if you chug a beer, you get 6 points, and if you bend over and fart, you get an extra point." So, the second guy starts off by chugging his beer and farting. The first man chugged his beer with ease, and when he bent over to fart, the second guy came up and kicked him in the butt and exclaimed, "BLOCK THE KICK!"

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad". (at this point he was loaded drunk) He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?". He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"! He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her. The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!" The man replied with "NO WAY!" And the wife said "YOU LIAR! The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!' The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push?" "No, get lost, it's 3 AM. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."