Our body cells renew while asleep.
If only our wallets could do the same.
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One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed.
That night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprised to hear her say: "And forgive us our debts as we forgive our dentists."
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Your mom is so stupid she thought Nickelback was a refund.
Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it!
Did you hear about the man who spent too much of his company's money on Viagra?
Now he's hard up.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Signs You're No Longer in College...
You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.
Your potted plants stay alive.
You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.
Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.
You attend parties that the police don't raid.
You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.
You refer to college students as "those kids."
You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.
At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.
Naps are no longer weekday options.
Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.
Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.
You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.
‘How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars…’ Steve Martin
Yo' Mama is so skanky, when the waiter brought out her strip steak, she asked where to tuck the dollar bills.
A man wakes up after spending 20 years in a coma.
One of the first things he does is ring his stockbroker.
‘Your assets have increased considerably,’ says the stockbroker.
‘The £20,000 you had invested with us is now worth £20 million.’
‘That’s fantastic,’ says the man.
Just then the phone starts bleeping and a recorded voice interrupts, ‘To continue this conversation please insert another £500,000.’