The cost of living is the difference between your net income and your gross habits!
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A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000.
This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000.
Here we have a policeman's brain as well.
It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."
Why don't black people pay rent?
Because jail is free.
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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.
His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.
It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Did you hear about the man who received a tip on a horse called Cigarette?
He didn't have enough money tabaccer!
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.
"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.
Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling.
"MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!" he exclaimed.
"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.
"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked.
"HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
Q: How is a boss better than a wife?
A: A boss at least pays you for making your life miserable.
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Q: Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet?
A: They never want to log off.
How do you hide your money from a mexican?
A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"
An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip.
He notices there a machine with the indication: "Put A Dollar in the Slot and the Machine will Tell you who you are!"
Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and he waits.
The machine suddenly sounds;
"You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago."
The man blacked out with the machine's ability.
So, he decided to trick the machine.
He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot.
"You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago," says the machine.
"But it's impossible!" screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine.
He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab.
Then, he did the same routine.
"You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago."
Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot.
-You're John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your bullshits you.. lost the train!
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