A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here." Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
When teacher entered the class little Jonny slowly said: "Sir excuse me; your zipper is open." So the teacher thanked him and fastened his zipper. He went near little Jonny and told him: "My dear it would better to say: the office door is open." Next day when the teacher entered the class, unfortunately, his zipper was again open! Little Jonny loudly shouted: "Not only the office door is open but also the teacher is at the door and two small students are beside him."
Two starving cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said, "Oh Dad, there’s one." "No," said the father. "There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait." A little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he’s big enough." "No," the father said. "We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait." About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there’s nothing wrong with that one Dad, let’s eat her." "No," said the father. "Were not going to eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we’re going to take her back alive, and eat your mother."
A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom "You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops." (WHACK...she spanks him) He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops."
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Which is the most confusing day in America? Father's day! 80% don't know whom to wish. Rest 20% are scared someone will come and wish them.
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don’t be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there’s more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says… "Now she knows."
Q: What does Superman, Batman, and Ironman have in common? A: When they were kids they wanted to be Chuck Norris
A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn't understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents. Surprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean? The blonde girlfriend replied all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'