I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Q: How do you know if a girl is pregnant?
A: Shove a tampon and see if all of the cotton is picked.
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A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful!
But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic!
What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible!
I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
They were three men discussing how to make their wives to tell them if they cheated on them.
The first guy says: "I go home after work at night, lie on the couch, turn on the television and ask: 'Woman you cheated on me today!'
'Who, me my husband? Could I ever do such a thing?'
Pissed off as I am, I get up, put her down, punch her and in the end she can’t take it anymore and admits: 'I cheated on you with Nick…'"
The secong guy says: "I do exactly the same thing. I punch her and finally she says: 'I cheated on you with Jake…'"
The third guy says: "I have no problem at all. I go home, undress, put the sweat pants on, light my cigarette on, I go out to the balcony, see the neighbor spreading clothes and shout at her: 'Mary! You are a whore!'
And then she starts saying: 'I’m a whore? Or your wife who sleeps with John, Mark, Peter…!'"
Three women were sitting in a bar, (a brunette, red head, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.
The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have."
The other to asked how.
She replied, "well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a boy".
The red head said, "If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived.
The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?"
She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.
Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"
He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
Brrr! My hands are cold.
Can I warm them in your heaving breasts?
An elderly woman went to her doctor, complaining about not being able to hear out of one ear.
The doctor then took his penlight, looked in her ear, then took his tweezers, reached in, and pulled something out.
After examining the object for a second, he exclaimed, "Well...it seems you inserted a suppository into your ear...".
The old lady thought for a second, then responded "Gee...I guess that explains why I can't find my hearing-aid...!".
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