I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
A beautiful woman in her thirties was passing through customs in London, when the customs official asks her what the reason for her trip to London was. Business or pleasure, he asks? Sadness and pleasure! She says to the officer! Why? Well, my 75 years old husband has just died and I came to his funeral! My condolences, says the officer! It must be a very difficult and painful time you're going through! Not really, this is my pleasure! I'm so sad because only now I found out that he was dead broke and did not leave a dime, a penny, not even a will for me!
Why do men want to vote for a female President? Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common? They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.
The wife's just said to me "Can you explain why I've just found another womans knickers in your coat pocket?" I said "Yes, I can explain. It's because you're a nosy ****!"
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, "I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition." "The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance,'What's your condition?" Phil answered, "Tell me your wish in just three words." There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, "Clean my house."