On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods, the golfer."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
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Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub.
He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes.
Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, "I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition."
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Phil answered, "Tell me your wish in just three words."
There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address.
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They say that if I don't support transgender rights I'm on the wrong side of history.
At least I'm on the right side of the firing squad.
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Question: What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Answer: Ten minutes of silence.
5 year old daughter: "Mom, why is some of your hair white?"
Me: *smiles* "Every time you make me sad, another hair turns white."
Daughter: *wide eyes* "Wow mom, what did you do to grandma?"
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!".
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Question: How is a woman like a laxative?
Answer: They both irritate the shit out of you.