Q: Why do women have periods? A: Because they deserve them.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Women are just like fine wine. I only like the white ones.
Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? A: The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
Question: How is a woman like a laxative? Answer: They both irritate the shit out of you.
*Girl is crying* Dad: Why you crying? Girl: My boyfriend dumped me! Dad: (Grabs shot gun) I'll be back.. A while later dad comes back Girl: What the hell! why did you go kill him! Dad: I didn't Girl: Where did you go? Dad: To get you icecream :D Girl: Why the hell did you bring the shot gun?! Dad: So I could get it for free!
A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one." "Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Tom Cruise." Poof! She's gone. "Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Why Airplanes are better than Women ? Airplanes usually kill you quickly ...a woman takes her time. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.... Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go".... Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.... Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.... Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.... Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.... Airplanes don't come with in-laws.... Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.... Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.... Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.... Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.... Airplanes expect to be tied down.... Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.... Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.... However...when airplanes go quiet...just like women...it's usually not good. If you miscalculate and make a mistake with an airplane, you don't have a bunch of "little airplanes" flying around out of control! When your airplane is sitting there looking at you face to face whining @ 15,000 r's, you want to hear more! With an airplane, your frequency is continuous, and not just once or twice a year! The shape of an airplanes empanage stays constant over the years! Airplanes don't stop for yard and garage sales or tupperware parties! If an airplane gets in the way, you just put it out in the garage, and that is that! It is interesting watching an airplane stall! If a woman ground loops, it is usually more than just a broken prop!
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Jennifer, wanna go to my place? I am not Jennifer But I didn't ask about that...
A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied 2) that there was plenty of heat 3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!