Joke #5308

Two friends talking: "What's up?" "My wife left me for my best friend.." "I thought I was your best friend..." "Now he is."

A husband and wife are eating soup. The wife spills soup all over her and says: "Oh no, I look like a pig" "Yes and you also have soup all over you!"

A woman applies for a job in a lemon grove. ‘Have you got any experience picking lemons?’ asks the foreman. ‘I certainly have,’ says the woman. ‘I’ve been married four times.’

Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?" He says, "No, our house isn't blue."

‘Why don’t you go home to your wife. Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference.’ Groucho Marx

There were three women who always hung their laundry out in the backyard. Two of the women noticed Sophie never had her laundry out on days that it rained. One day, they were all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women said to Sophie, "How come when it rains, your laundry is never out?" "Well," said Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash." "What if it is pointed straight up?" asked one of the women. "On a day like that, I don't bother with the laundry."

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? A: He thought his wife was a flake.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent. "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?" "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."

If it weren’t for marriage, women would have to spend most of their adult lives arguing with complete strangers.

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."