Joke #3417

After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over. "You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

Somebody told me the best way to meet women is to do something you enjoy right away, you have something in common. So, I've spent the past year smoking dope and watching television.

Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing. He found her to be possessive and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence.

A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50.” The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn to use our teeth.”

Wife to husband: ‘My mother says I should never have married you. She says you’re effeminate.’ Husband: ‘Compared to her everyone is.’

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first? The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.

There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before and after marriage.

Like changing coins - I always desired to change my 60 old years wife to three 20 years girls!

If you want your wife to pay attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep.

A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by re-walking their first walk together. They come to the fence against which they first made love. The husband says, "Come on, for old time's sake." The wife agrees and they both undress. Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago." His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"