After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over.
"You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out.
Why the hell did you take off like that?"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
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Little Mary is at her first wedding.
When it’s over, she asks her mother, ‘Why did the lady change her mind?’
‘What do you mean?’ asks mother.
‘Well,’ replies Mary.
‘She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.’
A couple has been married for many years, and one day the man tells his wife that he wishes she had bigger breasts.
"But how am I going to get bigger breasts?" she asks.
"That’s simple." he says, "Just rub your breasts with toilet paper every day."
"And that would do it?" the surprised wife wonders.
"Well," answers the husband, "it sure did work on your behind!"
Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?
A: They all get the house.
A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.
One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband.
It says: "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So, I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't YOU wait up for ME."
Marraige is a 3-ring circus.
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
A husband and wife are having financial troubles.
They agree she should walk the streets to pick up some extra cash.
The husband drops his wife off in the red light area of town, and returns 6 hours later.
She gets in the car and says, "Look, I made $40.50 !"
"What jerk gave you 50 cents?" he asks.
"All of them!"
A married couple go to a restaurant.
A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it.
The man asks, "Where's the burger?"
The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit.
"I was keeping it warm," she replies.
The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."
Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I've never been before.
Wife: Well, how about the kitchen?
Coming home after check-up, 45 year old Jenna said to her husband: "The doctor said that my brust is like a 20 year old girl’ brust."
Husband replied: "Did he mention about your 45 year old hanged to the floor ass?"
"No", she said. "Your name wasn’t even mentioned."