Joke #5319

An elderly man remembers the good old days: “When I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single $, and I would bring back 5 pounds of potatoes, 2 breads, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. Nowadays that’s impossible – there are simply to many security cameras."
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has 71.25 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: old people

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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. Wife: 'What are you doing dear?' Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?' Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone.'
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has 72.54 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: beer, husband, old people, phone, wife
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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has 73.89 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: old people
An old lady really wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors, before she died. So she went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport. “You must take the loyalty oath first,” the passport clerk said. “Raise your right hand, please.” The old gal raised her right hand. “Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?” The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, “Well, I guess so, but. . .will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?”
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has 44.92 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: old people, priest, travel
What is so special about the retirement age? "It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to lose one's job."
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has 34.09 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: age, old people, work
What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common? You don't look down.
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has 68.50 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: age, dirty, old people, sport
An old man tells his psychiatrist that he is already very old and he has committed during his life many sins. The psychiatrist wanted to help him, so he has asked him: "And how long are you with your wife?" The man answered: "45 years." The psychiatrist said: "Don´t have the fear, because after your death you will be surely added to the sufferers, sleep well."
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has 37.27 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: doctor, life, marriage, old people, time
An old lady has asked her priest: "please, tell me, what do you think, will I go after my death to Heaven or to Hell?" Because the priest has heard this question already at least million times before, so he has decided to tell the old lady the last and final answer, so he has asked her: "and do you still have your own teeth?" The old lady has said: "no, I have only a dental plate." The priest has told her: "now, you can see, now, you can see, you will go surely to Heaven because in Hell you can hear only crying and gnashing of the teeth."
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has 72.56 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: heaven, old people, priest
An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!"
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has 56.65 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: death, food, funeral, old people, wife
As my grandmother and I were walking towards the United Nations Building in New York City, we came upon a street evangelist who was trying to get the attention of passersby. He urged those near him to flee from the wrath to come. “I warn you,” he roared, “that there will be weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth!” An old woman in the crowd shouted snidely: “Sir, I have no teeth!” “Lady,” the evangelist retorted, “teeth will be provided!”
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has 28.45 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: old people
Q: Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night? A: It keeps them from rolling out of bed!
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has 61.19 % from 89 votes. More jokes about: dirty, nurse, old people, viagra