Why are guys like microwavable meals?
They’re both done in 30 seconds.
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From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom`s the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweee-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, your drunk!!
Hahahahaha wot a fucking LAUGH!
A tight rope Walker is walking a tight rope between two buildings on the 85th floor in new York.
At the same time in South Texas is getting a blow job from a 85 year old lady.
What are both men thinking?
Don't look down.
Jones aside. ‘You’re in perfect health,’ he says.
‘Your wife didn’t give me an erection, either.’
Q: How big are the pastro's beds?
A: Oh c'mon, it knows every little kid.
My mate down the pub asked me last night "Why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?"
I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."
He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"
I replied, "No, I work in a morgue."
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.
Q: Why do fat, ugly women give the best blow jobs?
A: Because they have to!
When the first legal brothel opened here in Brissy I got the OK from the missus to check it out and have myself a good time.
I was in there like a flash and as I was the only client at that time I has my choice of the buffet on offer.
I chose a gorgeous tall slim redhead but before moving off to the rooms she stated that she wont work with anyone unless they are 10 inches.
Being a little embarrassed as you would be I asked her politely to sit back down.
I mean after all, no matter how hot they were I wasn't about to cut 2 inches of my manhood for anyone...
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Kyle said, “Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.”
So they go back to her place and have great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand.”
Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay”.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.
Then Sean says, “Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand.”
Kylie is now used to the routine and complies.
The results are mind blowing.
Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks “Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?”
Sean replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet.”