Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
At the grammy awards Beyonce said to Justin Bieber, "What song would u sing of mine justin?"
Justin said, "If I were a boy."
An elderly man 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn’t have long to live.
So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell.
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer
"Well today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave."
Well a few days later the man passed on, The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me lots of medical bills. But I threw the other $35,000 in."
The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in."
Well the Lawyer just couldn’t believe what he was hearing, "I am surprised at you two. I wrote a check for the whole amount and threw it in."
The only Christmas present Chuck Norris ever gives is allowing you to live.
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I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my playstation.
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The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.
If I had my whole life to live over again, I don’t think I’d have the strength.
Patient: "Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?"
Doctor: "How old are you now?"
Patient: "40"
Doctor: "Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?"
Patient: "No. I don’t drink. I don’t gamble. I don’t smoke. I have no vice."
Doctor: "Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?"