Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?
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That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you put another dish in the sink.
Q: Why is marriage not a word?
A: It's a lifelong incarceration!
I want me a big black girl...the type of woman that sits in the car and it looks like it's got tinted windows.
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Before sex, you help each other get naked.
After sex, you dress only yourself.
Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.
Religion is a lot more like politics.
The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.
A man asked for a meal in a restaurant.
The waiter brought the food and put it on the table.
After a moment, the man called the waiter and said: "Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."
A zebra has wondered his whole life whether he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes.
When he dies and goes to heaven he asks God the question "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?"
God responds, "You are what you are"
The zebra goes to his friends and tells them what God had said and that he still doesn't know the answer to his question.
One of his friends says, "Well, that means you are a white zebra with black stripes"
The zebra asks him why and the friend says, "Because otherwise God would have said 'You is what you is'"
It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword.
He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
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