A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..."
He replies "If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!"
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence" the farmer said. "This is a special day for me, I am celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence!" said the man.
"I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different ****," he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence!"
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table has no balls.
Teacher: "Who knows 5+5=?"
Little Johnny: "11"
Teacher: "Take out your hand from trousers pocket and count with your fingers."
Vote:
I'd have a comeback for that, but all my come's backed up in your throat.
A doctor from the inner city was conversing with an old friend from med school at a cafe when he said, "Man, can I tell you something?"
His friend nods. "Sure."
"Okay, so the other day I had this one really hot, foreign patient, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since..."
He goes on to tell his friend everything about her, from her long blond hair and ability to speak fluent French, to her shimmering blue eyes and soft skin.
His friend seemed more disgusted with each passing moment.
"Dude, that is not cool."
The doctor, indignant, defended himself.
"What's wrong with that? Lots of doctors are attracted to their patients."
His friend simply shook his head and replied, "Maybe, but I guarantee you none of those doctors were pediatricians..."
Vote:
I discovered that I'd spent an hour walking around a mall with a shoe store's "Feel the Comfort" sticker stuck to my body.
More humiliating?
It was attached to my left breast.
Yo mama is so dirty when she jumped in the bath water the water jumped out and said "No I'm good."
Wife says to husband, "You make love like you decorate."
Husband replies, "What very slow and professional?"
"NO,"she replies, "I have to finish the job myself."
Who is little, black and jumps?
A flee!
But who’s big, black and jumps?
Dr. Alban!