2 cowboys talking about s*x.
1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position !"
"I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?"
"Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds !" 
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Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Vaginas are like weather,
when it's wet, it's time to go inside.
A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"
A son is discussing funeral arrangements with his dying mother.
‘Would you like to be buried or cremated?’ asks the son.
The mother replies, ‘I don’t know.
Surprise me.’
I told my crush at school, "If you love me, come wearing red tomorrow."
The next day she came in wearing black!
When she dropped her pen and she bent over to pick it up, I got a look up her skirt at her red thong.
Moral of the story: she really loves me underneath it all.
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A: They are both meat substitutes.
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