There was once a lady making a stew for dinner when she found she had no onions,so with no time to waste she raced to the shops, burst in saying could i have some onions please.
The shopkeeper replied sorry lady we are fresh out of onions.
The lady said but i really need onions and gave all the reasons why in one big sentence.
The shopkeeper said look lady,I`ll put it to you another way and continued to ask her- if you take the o from tomato what do you have?
The lady said tomat,Yes said the man and if you take the o from potato what do you have?
The lady said potat.
Yes said the man behind the counter,now if you take the fuck out of onions what do you have?
"But there's no fuck in onions",said the lady,Yes said the man, That's what I have been trying to tell you!"
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There is a four story building.
On the fourth story there is a butcher, on the third story there is a guy with a really long dick, on the second story there is a painter who likes to paint things green, and on the first story there is a guy who loves to eat pickles.
So one day, the guy on the third story had a problem, his dick was too hot so he stuck it out the window.
Then the butcher thought it was salami and he chopped it off.
It then fell down to the second story were the painter painted it green and accidentally threw it out the window and fell down in the pickle jar of the first story.
Suddenly the guy in the first story picked the painted piece of dick from the jar and ate it.
He then told his wife:
Ohh this pickle is yummy, especially with the white filling!
I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "1 dollar for dirty joke."
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?"
Me: "John"
Homeless man: "So Johny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have."
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"
Me: "I don't know? A lot?"
Homeless man: "Well Johny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy."
Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty five-year-olds?
A: Because there are twenty of them!
Q: What does Barbie use as a tampon?
A: A Tic-Tac.
Who is little, black and jumps?
A flee!
But who’s big, black and jumps?
Dr. Alban!
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "$1".
The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender
"Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
My wife found a porn magazine in our son's room the other day.
She showed it to me, and it was BDSM.
She asked me "What we should do?"
Me: "Probably not spank him."
She belted me with the magazine.
Now I know where he gets it from.
Vote:
Two gays were at a dance.
As they were jigging about the floor with each other.
Two massive guys entered the hall 6 foot 6 20 stone and full of muscle One gay asked his mate "Is that the bouncers that have just come in?"
"No" grinned the other,"That's the raffle."
How do you blindfold a Chinese person?
Put floss over their eyes.
John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident.
He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions.
He looks like a mummy.
John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding.
Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:
"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."
John inscribes the words in his heart.
At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.
'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "
"I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."
The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says:
"You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git."