A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.
He untied her and they had sex.
Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in.
Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."
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What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana ?
One's composing, the other is decomposing.
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An old couple is at a fair an the old man sees a helicopter ride for $50.
The old man asks his wife, "I don't have much time left. Can I take I ride in one of them helicopters?"
His wife responds, "Oh well that's way too expensive."
The man running the helicopter rides as a pilot hears their conversation and makes them a deal.
"Hey, I'll take you on a ride for free, but you can't make one sound. If you do, then you have to pay $50." says the pilot.
The couple climbs in the helicopter.
The pilot takes off and does awesome tricks with the helicopter.
The couple never made a sound.
The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "Wow, impressive, usually people make so much noise on these rides."
The old man says, "Well, I almost made a noise when my wife fell out of the helicopter, but these rides are too expensive."
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The only church which is disseminating light and warmth is the burning church.
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First cannibal: "Come and have dinner in our but tonight."
Second cannibal: "What are you having?"
First cannibal: "Hard-boiled legs."
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What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!
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Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?
A: Because you can see right through them!
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A man with no legs is lying on the beach, when three attractive blondes approach him. The first blonde says to him "I bet you've never been hugged before."
The legless man shakes his head.
Then the second blonde says, "I bet you've never been kissed before."
The legless man shakes his head again.
Then the third blonde says, "I bet you've never been fucked before."
The legless man says, "No."
The third blonde replies, "Well you are now because the tide is coming in!"
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Since it started to rain, my wife can't stop looking through the window.
If it will start pouring down, I'm afraid I will have to let her inside.
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Why did the little girl fall off of her bike?
Because she didn't have any arms.
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I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
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