Joke #2762

What rule could stop HIV in Africa? Sex after dinner only.

Anyone want to try the ALS gas bucket challenge HMU.

There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

The reason why women will never be the ones who propose is that as soon as they get on their knees, man starts unzipping.

An old couple is at a fair an the old man sees a helicopter ride for $50. The old man asks his wife, "I don't have much time left. Can I take I ride in one of them helicopters?" His wife responds, "Oh well that's way too expensive." The man running the helicopter rides as a pilot hears their conversation and makes them a deal. "Hey, I'll take you on a ride for free, but you can't make one sound. If you do, then you have to pay $50." says the pilot. The couple climbs in the helicopter. The pilot takes off and does awesome tricks with the helicopter. The couple never made a sound. The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "Wow, impressive, usually people make so much noise on these rides." The old man says, "Well, I almost made a noise when my wife fell out of the helicopter, but these rides are too expensive."

Q: What has 2 arms, 3 legs, and 4 feet? A: The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

Michael: "What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?" Matthew: "I don't know. What?" Michael: "Candy corneas."

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

Two cannibals are enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner and a light conversation about all things family. "I just can't stand my mother-in-law," sighs one. "That's quite understandable," nods the other one, "why don't you just have the potatoes with the gravy?"

I'm going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do... by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely, Michael Myers